Feeling down

I was seriously down yesterday

low

I hadn't spoken to M in 4 days
typical for the holidays

texting is not talking

we had a too brief chat at lunch

and all that chat did was cement that we won't have a visit on the weekend

and that he was slammed at work all this week

I was down about my adoption process

and down about work

I wrote mouse a little email and cried a bit as I did

I'm learning to let these feelings out when they happen
and not bottle them up
to come out later in a torrent

they keep telling me that it'll make me feel better
but it doesn't

I chatted online with a friend for a bit
and I flirted with the idea of going to a munch next weekend
knowing that I will chicken out

and

finally went to bed

M texted me
Don't fall asleep on me

No Sir, I wil not.

it's rarely "sir" you know

I bring out the "sirs" when he brings out his domly tone

and later -- when he called
I was back where I belong
in balance

nothing fixed

still no visit
still no kiddos
work still -- meh

but in balance

things are not the way I want them
but I love him
he makes me stronger
he makes me better

and I do the same for him

we work