I lied a little

I try not to

but sometimes -- sometimes I just do

Yesterday I was super emotional all day
I cried a little in the shower

and

felt a little on edge all day

I got to talk to M for a bit during the day
we always find a smidge of time

and late at night -- we finally got to connect.

We talked about him
and then he said he wanted to talk about
the profiles of kids I'm reviewing
I had asked him if we could talk
if he would be my sounding board

but there's been no time

and I told him I didn't want to talk
last night

he was concerned and asked me why
and I lied
and told him I was tired
and that it would keep us up to late.

hmmm
is it a lie if it's true?
even if it's not the reason?

the real reason is that I'm going through one of those cycles
where I feel like things will never work out for us

that we'll never find a way to be together
that when my adoption happens
that
we'll become nothing

I worry that I'm a place holder.
that right now he thinks he loves me

but the fact that I'm long distance
and we only see each other once a month
makes me safe.

I worry that when he heals
he'll realize that this is not enough
and move on
meet someone local
and remember me fondly

and frankly
I just didn't want to talk to him
about something else that I will be emotional about
when I am feeling
so vulnerable.

so I lied.

because how do I tell him that those are my fears?

He's done nothing to make be believe that

it's just something I worry about
and I worry about everything

this morning
I feel much better

I feel wrapped in his love
that evil little ferret of doubt
is back in his cage

today will be a good day