Have you ever...

What the Hell - -nothing else I want to talk about -- but I'm not following their silly rules -- let the meme police come get me

There are only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks. 

So here goes...

Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes 

Made money illegally? Yes -- well -- I assume so.  My Ex was a shady dude -- and I'm pretty sure that some of the stuff I helped him sell was um -- toasty

Had a one night stand? Yes - although I didn't think it would be.
Been in a fist fight? ROFL - no
Slept with your best friend? no -- I'm not one of those "M is my best friend" people -- although -- he sort of is -- BF are something different to me .
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes - well -- does telling your husband that you're ovulating and he needs to go home RIGHT now to fuck you -- and promising he'll be back to work in 20 minutes count?
Slept with a member of the same sex? Nope
Seen someone die? No
Ran from the police? Yes -- in a car (as a passenger) -- and had to pay a bribe to stay out of jail.
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? No -- don't be silly
Worn your partners unmentionables? No
Fallen asleep at work? Yes
Used toys in the bedroom? In the bedroom...in the living room...in the bathroom...in the kitchen....
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? Yes
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced or done a striptease? no
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes (what a silly question)
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? No -- sneezed so hard I peed my pants -- sure
Caught someone having sex? No- - BEEN caught -- yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Oh, my Yes -- he was yummy
Shaved your partner? No
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? No 
Do you sleep naked? sometimes -- it's hot here ya'll
Blacked out from drinking? Nope
Felt like killing someone? no -- killingkilling someone?  no
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes -- MmmMMmmMmmm
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? Yes
Shot a gun? Yes
Gone outside naked? Yes


Sorry for the weird formatting -- when I copy things over I have to do weird things to make them visible on my background.

Happy Friday

sfp

when "no" feels like "yes"

Lately -- M has been most undomly

indulgent
and

sort of -- well -- sort of just being my vanilla super supportive boyfriend

but

not what we are

not what we want to be

or wanted

it's sort of started to feel like

well

that he doesn't want to do it anymore
that he doesn't want me
but is too nice to give me the ol' heave ho while things are shitty for me

I'm a charity case

so when I ask if I can cum

he tells me I may

but I have felt for some time like
he doesn't care if I ask or not

that

he doesn't want to tell me that I don't have to ask -- since it's pretty much only 1 of 2 rules

but that he could care less

sometimes I ask and he ignores it

I imagine that he's busy and then too much time passes and it doesn't make sense to give me permission then

he doesn't comment on it

so
tonight

I'm exhausted

I asked and was granted one earlier today
in an off-handed -- "you may"

and tonight
after we hung up

I asked if I could have a "pity-orgasm" if I am unable to sleep

and much to my surprise I got a "we'll see"

and
although I really think I need one
that I crave one
that any rational human would let me have one

instead I got a delay
which is really a "no"
and is so much a "yes" to who we are -- and what we are

that it's exactly precisely what I needed.

Sometimes life sucks

The state has decided to return the baby to a family member.
which means that his last day with me will be Tuesday.
I am heartbroken
and
want to ask all of you a favor.
just to give me the space
reserve condolences and sympathy
until a time when I can handle it.

because right now
I have to focus on being strong
so my agency will have faith that I'm made of the right stuff
and will continue to help me to try to build my family.

So

you're all under strict orders
to have exceptionally interesting blogs
with tons for me to talk about
and think about

and in time -- I'll be back to me.

Much love
and thanks to all of you for um
NOT being supportive
until I can take it

ya know?

Burning Love

I came home tonight to find a boiling hot baby

104.4

whaaaaa?????

104.4!!!

He's never run any fever

at all

none

ever

so I sent my agency a text -- which got me a call in about 30 seconds.
My phone-a-friend is a nurse

I asked if I should give him tylenol and see
she said
"no -- go to the ER now -- don't medicate first -- let them see him how he is"

and a few hours later -- we are home
he's down to 101.8
and snoozing

funny

how I could be so self-involved
all fucking day

so much so that I was almost unable to function all day long
that I almost went home and lunch to crawl into bed

so worried about what might happen
that I was just shutting down

a girl can only run for so many days at this level of stress

and then I go home
and

it's all gone away

I'm completely focused on my little man

as it should be

you know

I've had moments in the past few months where I questioned my fitness for motherhood

maybe I'm not attached enough because I don't dote on him and try to convince you that his farts smell like flowers

but really

I'm more his mom
every single day

I was made to this you guys
and no matter what happens

I'm a good mommy
I'm his mommy

come what may

much love

sfp

self abuse (of the vanilla variety)

If you've been reading along you'll know that I'm exceptionally stressed -- I've known for about 10 days that I might lose the bundle of joy to a family member.

I am powerless in this

this isn't a mommy contest
I win in a mommy contest hands down
if only because I am his mommy

so there is a processing that goes on

perhaps it's the way our psyches go about preparing us for the worst

I try to put it out of my mind
and I'm pretty good at that

compartmentalizing

not borrowing trouble

but it's there

like an underground river
beneath the surface
eroding my resolve.

it bubbles up in little moments

just now
as I made his bottle
I thought

"I have all the formula for this month
if he goes, I'll need to pack it up with his things"

and I bleed a bit
but then I stuff it back down
I shove my finger in the dyke (no giggles please)
and move on

another little leak springs up
as I fold his clothes
and think

I would pack this
I would keep that -- I might need it in the future

and
I wonder how much it would hurt to put that little outfit on another little boy
knowing it belonged to my little man

and I rush to stop up that leak too

because too many
will release the flood

and

well - the reality is

there's no way to know
what the outcome will be

sometimes I think about the family who wants him

they've never met him
never seen him

he's an idea
an abstraction

the countless hours they must have discussed
do we take them

all of them
or are they better off

can we afford it
where will they sleep
and how how how will we ever do it

if they're denied
will there be a tiny bit of relief?

certainly a stab of pain
because even the loss of a hypothetical child is a loss

I should stop being so cruel to myself.
should shut down this line of thought

bury myself in projects
of cake

fucking bury myself in cake

anything but abuse myself in this way

but it's there.

always there

just beneath the surface.

(comments off -- I needed to say this -- but don't need to revisit it -- love to you all -- sfp)

The unfriending

Once upon a time -- if you decided you were done with someone -- you could just wander off
call less

hang out with other friends

social medial is a pain in the ass when it comes to this

because if you really want to be done with someone

it requires an unfriending.

hmm -- blogger seems to think the unfriending isn't a word
you're behind the times, blogger -- catch up!

there's this woman
you've likely heard me bitch about her in the past year

she was one of the exchange student moms
and is fostering to adopt like me

at the same time
through a different agency

and

I've sort of grown to hate her

She took her classes faster
declared her homestudy "easy" -- when mine was soul sucking

got her placement before me

(ok -- I'll admit it -- that's just plain jealousy on my part)

and has made mild little racist remarks about her foster daughter

"She's so brown...is your son brown?  She's really very dark"

fuck you

I'm going through a really rough time right now with my foster care situation
I may lose him to a relative of his

after all these months

and I feel very raw about it
the fact is I've known for about 10 days and have only just started to be able to talk about it outside of a very few close friends

and unfortunately
my own little Gladys Kravitz
happened to ask me (IMed me) how things were going a few days ago

I wrote a brief note that I am waiting to hear about this family member and that I might lose the baby to them.

and she responded

"How do you feel about it?"

How do I feel about it?
HOW DO I FEEL ABOUT IT?

"FUCK YOU -- THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT!"

but instead -- I responded that it was very difficult and that I'm just trying to get through the next few days

in my world

this should trigger "I'm so sorry, you're both in my prayers" and a change of topic

but no

she peppers me with questions.

and

it was sort of the last straw.

She's not a friend
I have no history with her -- no REAL history -- just this fake Facebook relationship

and in spite of that fact that I hate hate hate hurting someone's feelings

this woman makes me feel bad
on a pretty regular basis.

she's sort of bigoted and insensitive and selfish
and I don't like her

so
I just quietly unfriended her.

and why can't we do that?
just unfriend someone
just back away
and go make other little friends

it worked in grade school
I wasn't doomed to be friends with that little girl who wore the pink panties on the first day of kindergarden just because I met her on the first day (Mom says I mentioned this on the way home including every other detail of my first day of school and noticed that her panties were pink because she  decided to play on the monkey bars in a skirt)

so -- I clicked
and it was done

but the formality of unfriending someone
really does make it hurtful -- doesn't it?

it certainly hurt her feelings
as she has sent me several messages through email and Facebook
asking what she's done

I thought technology was supposed to make life easier.

The Now

tonight I'm filled with thoughts of longing

of wishing

of hoping

of wanting what I don't have control over

tonight I feel

impotent

and out of control
(and not in a good way)

and I am
carefully

packing these feelings away

the myth that feeling your feelings
all of them
when you feel them
is what's best

that pushing feelings away is always bad

is sometimes a bit of shit advice

because if I focus
on all the things I don't have
all the things that might not work out the way I want

well

I lose what I have right now

and what I have right now
all the things I have

all the many many blessings I have right now

are too wonderful
to lose

Now is where I'm going to stay

tomorrow can wait.