checking in

Sin checked in on me because I've been so quiet

I am a sexual hermit
although now that I'm starting to get the little Don on a schedule
there's a little more sleep
and I'm hoping to get things started again

even if it's here and there
even if it's just permission to have an O on my own

something

I've been on an emotional roller coaster this past week
but some little bits of news today have me in a better place

It's all about balance
and I've been way out of balance for awhile now
and slowly
slowly

I'm getting my feet back underneath me

baby steps

lol

Hanging on

M is away this weekend with family
and when he's there
I get very little contact

and I feel very fragile right now

I'm sleep deprived
so very very sleep deprived

and about 1/2 the time when we try to connect -- it's a bad time for the other one
or someone's screaming

and I'm struggling to see our future
struggling to see when we're going to be able to be together again

and I just have to have faith in my man
faith that we will weather this
that there will be a time when we are with each other again

even though
it might not work
and
yes -- I"ve expressed these fears
and he's comforted me
and continues to do so

but this weekend
I just miss him
so much

Lord I need some sleep.

Lows and Highs

Yes
yesterday was a low point
I let myself get really run down
really exhausted

I was dirty
and cranky

but then
I got some sleep
and changed my routine

and today is a new day

M and I got to catch up
not at our usual time
which has now been replaced by a lack of consciousness on my part
but around an hour later I texted and he was up
and we had a lovely chat

I need to buy a crib
and a changing table

and my to do list grows and grows

but I feel up
high on motherhood
high on a relationship with a man who really supports me
high on a family who has gathered around me to lift me up
high on friends (yes you guys are in there too) who comfort me in low moments

I am truly
truly blessed

meltdown

So I spoke to soon-- over on my mommy blog I mentioned that I wasn't in tears yet

but I am

I had a horrible night

He screamed and screamed -- and during one of the bottle reheatings, I guess I didn't have the bottle sealed properly so it came out all inside the bottle warmer making the house smell like boiled formula

which is just a disgusting smell
and he chucked sour formula all over me at 2am

I spent hours rocking, bouncing, singing, pacing
and finally just holding him on my chest trying to get a tiny bit of peace

this morning
as I wrote to M
telling him that I don't was us to fall apart
tears streaming as I let out my fears

because those of you who have been around awhile know that this is part of why Mr. C and I aren't together

that on some level I don't think I get to have it all

and he's over sleeping peacefully
as I work though my box of kleenex
as I read M's reassuring words
and he reminds me
that I'm exhausted
and that this is a transition and adjustment
and it's supposed to be hard.

so now that the little Don is back to his normal sweet burbling self
I'm going to eat something
blow my nose
and go to sleep

and it'll get better.

Baby Talk

M called from his conference to check on me and the Little Don

How's it going baby?

Not too bad -- I only declared myself the worst mom ever once

really baby?  WORST mom ever?  already?  what happened

oh - you know he was circumcised and it's still healing

yeah....

well -- You put vaseline on a bit of gauze to protect his penis from sticking to the diaper
and I didn't put enough on

so on the second diaper change it was stuck and I had to pull it off -- 

baby

yeah?

stop telling this story -- I'm 41 and it's hurting me.

it's a boy

a very tiny boy

so now
everything changes

finally
finally
finally

he is here.

Therapy pt 2

I don't plan to talk about all of this stuff here
but today
we talked about the past
and how we get to where we are

we talked about my horrible social awkwardness
and when that started

and I just stared at him

it didn't start
it was always there

always

My mom has stories of watching 4 yr old me trying to figure out how to integrate into the pack of kids in our neighborhood

we talked about those teen years
being the odd girl out

being a nerd
not even a nerd
being a junior nerd hanging out with my brother's friends

at the fringe of a fringe group

you know

it's funny
It took me 40 years to figure out how to hang with the cool kids

about the amount of time it took me to figure out that I don't give a crap about the cook kids

but looking back at those times
and being on the outside
is a painful memory

and opening up the boxes of painful memories seems to be what we're doing
what we're going to be doing

and there's a part of me that wants to scream

THIS IS JUST STUPID -- I PACKED ALL THAT SHIT AWAY NEATLY -- AND YOU WANT TO UNPACK IT? ???

only apparently my soul's storage until is all full up
and it's time to let some of this crap go

so -- this is what I'm doing
going through all the shit
I don't need
up in my storage
and hopefully
getting rid of it

to make room
for stuff
that is wonderful to keep.