Less Water

Dreams again

Yes -- it's too early for me to be up after my crazy week -- I am going back to sleep (because if B#2 reads this (who still needs a new name) I'm going to be in trouble - -I have Dom-friend orders to turn off my phone and catch back up on my sleep)

but I need to capture some dreams

before they fade on me

I just woke up from a terrible dream -- I was young enough in this dream to have just moved out of my parents house -- but in many ways I was who I am now.

I rented an apartment -- it was tiny -- and horrible. So small that to take a bath - -I had to stand in a very small trash can and ladle water over myself to get clean. I woke up because my parents came in and told me two of our oldest friends had died - and that almost awake person in my dream --

I like to think of it as the dream monitor

called a time out and woke me up

whew

The dream yesterday has faded somewhat -- I was going somewhere -- and I asked someone for a blessing

and first -- they brought a black yarmulke over -- it was upside down like a bowl and she dipped her fingers into it an flicked water at me

and I said -- No -- I really need a blessing

so she went back and got this floppy blue hat -- with polka dots on it - filled it with water and then lifted it over my head and poured the small amount of water it contained over my head.

Aisha has told me on several occasions that one thought is that water represents the female side of the dreamer

I tent to always interpret it as my sexuality -- my openness to my sexuality

I've been Domming it up this week at a conference -- as I have to do for my work.

perhaps this is why I'm dreaming of craving water -- needing more water -- and being given small hat fulls of it

In the beaver dream -- I was waist deep in it
Now -- I'm standing in a trash can -- trying to get the tiniest amount of it over my body

veeeerrrrrrry eeeeennnnterresting

Now -- it's time for me to close up the computer and try to get a bit more sleep -- I'm still exhausted from the week

but I needed to get this down
out

so I can go back to sleep again

and perhaps

water will come in abundance again in a few days

Body Image

I've had a poor body image - -like many women -- for a very long time.

Today -- I've been thinking about how this Dom/sub thing has changed my image

well -first off -- let me say that I have something I think of as backwards anorexia

you know how anorexics think they're horribly fat -- when they're really quite thin?

When I see myself in a mirror -- or in a photo - -I'm much fatter than in my mental image

it's made me avoid photos for many years

and the interesting thing?

this objectification?

humiliation

punishment

name calling?

somehow?

It's given me a correction

because when I look in the mirror

or at a photo?

I see me

as me

the good
the bad
the flaws

but mostly?

I see me

and who would have thought

that something that most of the world thinks is terrible

bad for me

has turned out to recalibrate

my very skewed view

Facepalm -- a vanilla post

Kiddo: I am very cold -- I don't want to take a shower

me: why? the shower will make you feel better

Kiddo: The water is very cold in the beginning

me: so -- let the water warm up first before you go in

Kiddo: oh. ok.


5 months

she's been in America for 5 months

and it never occurred to me to tell her it's ok to let the water warm up before she gets in the shower

sometimes I forget that she's not an American kid.

Water Water everywhere

I'm always dreaming about water

all the time

Last night I dreamt that I was playing with a man in water -- the way you do -- when you're half wrestling -- half playing

I don't know him in r/l -- but I was familiar with him in the dream.

the water was shallow and I was on my back -- but still laughing and wrestling (a bit fruitlessly) with him -- and he was laughing too.

I had a big bottle of water that I kept filling up by squeezing it under the water and letting the water suck in and then trying to spray it at him.

and then he was kissing me -- and the water kept getting in my mouth and I choked a bit

and woke up

I looked at the time and declared 630 to be too early for a Sunday

and rolled over to go back to sleep

more water

no man

I was floating in the water fully dressed and being chased by some creature that paced me on the shore

I'm wearing really cute red shoes -- that will be ruined now

and I start to move with the current down stream

eventually -- the current gets fast enough that I'm pretty sure I lose the creature -- it's huge -- and crafty - -and I'm pretty sure wants to eat me.

I end up in an concreted arroyo (I know there's a word in English for this - but it escapes me. It's like a ditch -- but really big) and I'm sputtering and coughing

and I realize that I have to make my way back -- but my shoes are ruined.

I buy these super cute boots -- which feel amazing on -- and as I start to turn to swim back upstream up the arroyo -- the sales man says

"you can't get these boots wet"

and I'm full of attitude, "just watch me"

he says -- no -- and starts to take them back

you can't get them wet

me: "but they're boots?!"

or dirty

me: "they're boots -- it's what they're for!"

so I can't wear the boots on my journey back

so I put the boots in their box and I put the box in a big bag -- and then I put tape all around the bag to keep out the water -- for good measure -- I put my computer and flash drives where they will be dry this time too.

I have a casual thought that this is silly -- they work fine now and they didn't have all this protection the first time I was in the water.

and then I dive back into the water -- and start to go back

and I woke up.

La Madrugada

I woke up in the wee hours on Wednesday morning -- la madrugada in Spanish

nothing good happens in the madrugada -- I swear

I woke up feeling exceptionally bad about the whole thing with D

how this is not what I wanted at all

it's all D/s -- and no real realtionship

and it's exactly what he has said it would be

he's lover
and friend
and teacher
and mentor

but what he's not
and what he won't be

is boyfriend.

and this becomes more and more apparent as time goes on

can I be ok with being a toy?
a much beloved toy
perhaps even a favorite toy?

taken out of the box to be played with

and then returned lovingly to the box until later

is this going to be ok with me?

or

am I going to be up at la madrugada again? --

(ps -- I should have posted my post on sub drop first -- I had it bad yesterday and stayed home)

Giant Beavers

our good friend gave me some things to think about in regards to my crazy ass dream

oh -- you came here to read my blog in hope of a giant beaver shot?

um

well -- there were giant blond beavers in my dream --but not the kind that YOU'RE looking for -- perv -- move along.

so

where was I

oh -- the dream

so -- our friend has pointed out in the past that water tends to represent female energy -- well there's lot and lots of water in this dream

and this time she encouraged me to think about some of the other aspects

the MIL -- an aspect of myself that I don't like

and that there are 2 sorts of animals -- one that needs protecting -- and other animals that are self sustaining and powerful.

I don't think my subconscious is struggling with obscure things -- I think that my sexuality is very much at the forefront of my mind of late

wonder why

so -- here's my interpretation -- and fuck it -- it's my dream -- so it can mean what I want

I think it's about my recent journey --

I've been going through my house-- looking for my treasures -- revisiting the past essentially -- and really -- isn't that what I've been doing for months? Sifting through the ashes of my old relationship looking for things to carry with me into the future?

note -- I didn't find anything in the dream

I think my MIL -- is my repressed self. -- She's packed up and ready to move on -- she's a bit bitter and snarky about it -- change is hard.

I think the animal upstairs in the tank -- the otter that needs care -- is my sexual self -- what else could this be by the kiddie pool version of my submission --

and when I go downstairs to look for care for that otter?

I find myself waist deep in water (my feminine energy) -- and now instead of the otter swimming around -- it's these giant furry friendly beavers -- and they're smiling at me -- they're powerful (like sexuality set free?) and drench me (ahem -- oh -- nevermind-- I think I get that now)

and although I'm knocked off my feet -- we're all laughing and happy (except the MIL -- who makes a snarky remark)

seriously

I need to get laid.

Crazy Dream - vanilla post

I just woke up from an insane dream

I was with 2 friends -- some girl and a guy that I had a crush on but who didn't like mike me --

we were going to class and for some reason I decided to call my ex-MIL to bury the hatchet

She invited us for dinner.

When we get there

the house is empty

well -- almost empty

she's packing to move

and she's packed backwards -- where she's packed everything that isn't important first -- and just has piles of her most precious things left to pack

and they're everywhere.

I ask her "why didn't you say no when I asked to come to dinner if you're moving tomorrow"

she said, "I didn't want to be rude"

which is a dig

she hates me
I'm not crazy for her

So I wander around the house-- friends forgotten -- looking at her treasures -- and frankly?

looking for a few things that belonged to me that my ex still has.

I'm upstairs and I see a giant tank of water with a creature swimming in -- it -- I can't figure out what it is-- it's otter sized -- I shout out -- "are you taking the otter?"

no response

so I head downstairs to ask her again -- is she taking the otter -- are the new owners going to care for it -- or is the pond it was in self sustaining so there's no worry about the otter at all

when I get downstairs -- I'm wading in hip deep water

oh -- and not surprised by it

I see a moose off in the distance swimming and decide the otter will be fine-- it's clearly a self sustaining system if so much wildlife are in it

and then I'm horrified to see -- 2 giant creatures swimming towards me -- I can only see their blond hairy heads and a bit of tail

they stand up

and I can see that they are giant blond beavers

(oh wait -- maybe this IS a sex dream)

and by giant -- I mean like 1/2 Godzilla size

and they smile at me with beaver teeth -- and I find this disarming

and then they shoot water at me (firehose style) and drench me.

and my MIL says -- "well they've marked you now"

and I woke up to the sound of my two friends laughing their asses off.

interpret away.