Wednesday, January 19, 2011

La Madrugada

I woke up in the wee hours on Wednesday morning -- la madrugada in Spanish

nothing good happens in the madrugada -- I swear

I woke up feeling exceptionally bad about the whole thing with D

how this is not what I wanted at all

it's all D/s -- and no real realtionship

and it's exactly what he has said it would be

he's lover
and friend
and teacher
and mentor

but what he's not
and what he won't be

is boyfriend.

and this becomes more and more apparent as time goes on

can I be ok with being a toy?
a much beloved toy
perhaps even a favorite toy?

taken out of the box to be played with

and then returned lovingly to the box until later

is this going to be ok with me?

or

am I going to be up at la madrugada again? --

(ps -- I should have posted my post on sub drop first -- I had it bad yesterday and stayed home)
at

10 comments:

  1. JzJanuary 19, 2011 at 6:19 PM

    Sweetie, if he were doing boyfriend right now, where he is in his life...? I would be screaming, "RUN!!!!" so loud you could hear it from there, without headphones...
    (AND we would be changing his name to "Poisonous Limpet")

    Next madrugada, remember to factor in the reasons you're doing this, too...


    ("sping")

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJanuary 19, 2011 at 6:40 PM

    i can totally relate. And if I were going to predict, I'd say eventually that's what will end this relationship. But -

    - your life, so I don't know, right, I get that - but-

    sometimes those carve out relationships - the ones you KNOW have some fatal flaw, but you take the good that's there and hang on to it and savor it and you never forget it and you grow and...

    ...sometimes you're up in the wee hours - madrugada?- wondering what the hell you're thinking.

    Big hug,

    aisha

    ReplyDelete
  3. turiyaJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:10 PM

    My advice to everyone is always... anytime you enter into any kind of relationship... long term, short term... whatever. Always make sure it's what you want first. And if your brain isn't sure... use your instincts. Does it feel right? Do you feel as though you are getting what you want/need?

    And most importantly... is he on the same page or does he think it's more or less that what you think it is... or want it to be?

    *hugs*

    turiya

    ReplyDelete
  4. strivingforpeaceJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:25 PM

    thanks --

    we'll see how things go

    I'm not going to make any decisions mid sub-drop --

    and I have to sort out what is post-play freak out/fear vs rational decision making

    sfp

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    As one surpassingly familiar with la madrugada recently, give it a few days. If you see more la madrugada morns, then trust your instincts.

    Sometimes that small, inner voice can only make itself heard betwenn the beats of your heart, as you lie away in the still of the night.

    must be a sign...my word verification is "waryla"

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousJanuary 19, 2011 at 7:29 PM

    between the beats, awake, as you lie awake.

    ReplyDelete
  7. mouseJanuary 19, 2011 at 10:55 PM

    Late to the post...but lovingly echoing what the sistahs said. Also, very smart not making decisions during sub drop. This is exactly why mouse hasn't time to blog lately!

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  8. perfect71psJanuary 20, 2011 at 2:34 AM

    I second Jz.

    Further:
    - I had thought the mentor/protégé idea was a good one. You can enjoy exploring D/s, enjoy the emotional roller-coaster, without worrying about getting in too deep. Have a relationship in quotes as it were, while you ponder whether you'd like to have one for real.

    - If D is not your lover, you are free to take a lover. Presumably D has other subs who he is "mentoring".

    - He is your toy as much as you are his.

    PL

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  9. strivingforpeaceJanuary 20, 2011 at 5:56 AM

    Thank you to all of you -- I was awake again during la madrugada

    and felt peace -- thanks to the words of my friends

    Dios les bendigo
    (God bless you)

    sfp

    ReplyDelete
  10. strivingforpeaceJanuary 20, 2011 at 5:58 AM

    shoot -- or bendiga

    because clearly it's too early for me to spell in spanish or english

    sfp

    ReplyDelete

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