The miracle of men

I took the baby out tonight to grab a bite of dinner
I set him up next to me
and he smiled
and burbled as I ate my dinner
and watched the crowd

I looked at all the different men around me
wondering

which of these men would my boy eventually be

the tall man with the bulging muscles towering over the rest
the man with dark eyes and a goatee - smiling at his coworkers -- slim and handsome and happy
lol -- the beatnik with the giant plugs in his ears.

will be be an athlete like my brother
or an intellectual

I stared at all the men around me
and marveled
that this tiny creature
will grow and grow and grow
and become one of them

one of these strange creatures we call men

Still waiting

Still no date set for us to see each other

and let's face it

it's complicated.

we miss each other
we're both stressed out

I know sometimes I wonder if we can work out
and I wonder if he wonders too

he says he doesn't doubt us
but how can he not
sometimes
wish he had his woman close at hand

yesterday after I dropped the big kiddo at the airport
shipping her off to year 2 of college

I called him on the way home

and literally begged him for some play

and a few hours later
after a bit of chat

(we're kinky bastards, we discussed his new business plan)

he gave me permission
and took me over the top
over and over

his warm words in my ear
coaxing just one more

and leaving me spent
and feeling completely his.

In honor of bad poetry day (Hi Jz!)

Irritant

lousy wayward crumb
youre trapped beneath my keyboard
cant apostrophe

I want more

I do
I want more than I can most likely deal with right now

I want more control from him
I want more sex
more submission
I want him to want to Dom the crap out of me

and of course
I don't know what he wants to do
do I

one cannot know

I feel like the overly tired toddler
stomping her feet
insisting that she be allowed to stay up longer
when really she's about to collapse

crying in protest as I'm hauled off to bed
and feeling abused by the injustice
even as I drop off

yeah

that's me
I know it is
I know that he's doing what's best for me
right now
that
this is how I'm wired
that I need a bit
but what I think I need
would overwhelm me

when he's too far away to put it all right

I KNOW that

but I still wanna.

stressed and tired and smiling

the baby was rotten yesterday
he wouldn't sleep

all day

and then couldn't sleep

and the family and friends who say, "well why don't you keep him up during the day so he'll sleep at night" are idiots (not that I've tried this on purpose - -but when it happens accidentally, it's hideous)

because instead

he's inconsolable

he forgets how to sleep

I finally got him down
and caught a 1 hour nap at my parents

and then had to pick him up and take him home where he woke up again to eat

after which I was wired.

insane
because I had been up all day after a late night (see Nilla's blog)
and should have been able to sleep

but couldn't

I talked to M mid day -- but was too grumpy to really enjoy the time
and he wasn't free
or didn't want to talk or whatever
between 10 & 11 when I wanted to chat

so I sent him a message -- asking permission at 1045
knowing that most likely he was asleep

and at midnight got permission

of course I was up

I'm always fucking up

and not 10 seconds passed after my "Thank you Sir" text before I got out the vibe and got to work.

too tired to think it was hopeless
because normally
stressed
tired
and haven't had anything in ages
does not equal orgasm

it equals either nothing + frustration
or frustrating almostthereAlmostThereALMOSTTHEREs
but this time

holy crap

this time -- I shook the popcorn off the ceiling
even at low speed.

Thank you Sir
that was just what I needed

gah!

motherfucking vertigo is back

lack of sleep I know
but it still sucks

baby and I are going to get some z's

sfp

Groundhog Day

today is like yesterday
tomorrow will be like today

and that's not bad

it just is

things here move ahead
almost 2 months now

and the little one is holding his head up well
which makes me think he will be a genius

and he cries
sometimes
for no fucking reason

I find something that works
so it becomes my religion
or
my superstition

like never washing your socks because you wore them when we won the playoffs.

so I sing "someone to watch over me" -- but never anything else -- because this week it's calmed him but the third time around

and today sitting up as straight as possible
leaned on my knees to sleep
has me creating a little tower of pillows to boost up my legs

it makes me smile
because I know that it's silly

that he wants to sit up today
because there's a gas bubble or whatever
and it just feels good for that 12 minutes

and that I can sing anything
it's really just the sound of my voice
and the soothing vibration as he has his head on my chest

but I need there to be something that works
anything
a incantation to soothe him

life has changed so profoundly
and I could not be happier

and tomorrow
I get to do it again.