Conversations II

packing to leave our hideaway (M gone the night before)
I see a spider in my bag

not like the spider in the shower
this one is more
hmmm
spidery
shaped like a black widow
but not one
well -- I didn't roll her over to check

I shook the bag upside down
nothing

she laughed at me
"I'm a spider... I'm not going to FALL - doofus"

I shook the bag harder pushing out the thoughts of how long she's been in there
trying not to wonder if I brought her back from where-Aisha-lives
ignoring that she's been in there with my panties

nothing

I realize that I'm shaking the bag over my own feet
this is going to end -- not in tears -- in screams

so I move to the bathroom
and shake her over the shower

(BTW -- all spiders are female -- all crickets are male -- weird huh?  I blame charlotte's web)

I begin to shake it frantically -- hoping to make this new home less hospitable -- ok -- freaking out a bit.
after three or four more spastic hard shakes I see her - -not in she shower -- but on the bathroom floor.

I retreat

after a moment's thought I shut the door.

******************

M:  another spider? 

Yeah -- I got her out of the bag in the bathroom --

Did you squash it?

No -- I just shut the door

Baby do you think the spider is too big to fit under the door?

No, too short to reach the handle.

Something's missing

I'm sitting here -- on the bed

insanely filthy

fucked three ways to Sunday

used

called names

bitten -- very hard

spanked

licked

sweated on

cum on

he has a similar list

and as I sit here -- he went home last night -- those "complications" I alluded to

and I know there's something missing

something that's usually there

...

yeah

....

I know what it is

that thing that's missing

remorse

not a bit

none

yes..Yes...YES!

I met M today in person

and it was sort of as Oatmeal Girl projected in her comments

I had a hard time connecting the man in front of me with the man on the phone.

I'm shy

shit

I was scared

because I don't want to try a lover on for size and discard him

it's

ookie

and frankly -- I've gotten involved before and had it not be right

I was waiting for a few minutes and calmed myself down as much as possible.
but when he got there I was in a frenzy of shyness and fear and doubts

and we talked for a bit

and he looked like the man I know
actually -- he looked better than the man I know

but he felt wrong

even though he sounded like him

and he said all the right things

and when he kissed me
his kiss was wonderful

and we decided to leave
and get a room to have some privacy
even though I wasn't sure yet

because he didn't feel like him

we checked in -- and kissed a bit -- and kisses turned to touch -- and touch turned to manhandling
and suddenly

I looked in his eyes

and said,

"oh-- there's the guy I know"

and he said, "why -- what changed?"

I couldn't say

but the thinks it because he took charge

and I don't know
and I don't care

because I've spent a wonderful day with him
and I'm

well

I'm in

IN

and while there's still lots in our way

I'm cautiously happy

sfp

PS -- bastard bites HARD

negitivity

You know those people who imagine a positive outcome as part of their preparation for things

they see themselves winning the prize
or
getting a good review

or

whatever

I don't do that.

yeah

I'm bad at that

I want to be prepared for the worst
for disaster

I want to know where my shiny blanket, emergency water, flashlight and candy bar are located
I want to sit in the tornado shelter
I want to picture making a knot ladder out of my sheets

yeah

I'm that girl

I picture the worst
and plan for it

optimists are morons

they always picture that everything will be sunshine and roses
and are inevitably disappointed -- because the real world is so much less rosy and sunshiny than their imagination

and pessimists don't call ourselves pessimists

we all ourselves REALISTS

so -- I'm imagining my meeting with M on Saturday
and

in all reality -- there are a lot of complications -- some of which I'm not sharing here because I don't need a chorus from ya'll of what I'm already hearing in my head about how much more in the beginning of his divorce he is rather than in the middle or the end.

so

I'm picturing the worst

and

I hate it

I don't want it to be bad
and worse

I don't want it to be bad for me and good for him

because I think that's an awful thing -- to tell someone "it's not me -- it's YOU"

I am wishing right now that I were an optimist
that I was good at filling my head with positive thoughts

because I could use some sunshine and roses right now

Conversations

You know that spider?

the one in your shower this morning?

Yes -- the one in my shower this morning

what about it baby?

It's gone now

yeah -- I thought that might happen

now I don't know where it is

don't worry about it baby
I didn't want to say anything because I knew it
would bother you -- wondering where it went

I ran some water down the drain to see if it comes out

Baby it's not the itsy bitsy spider
going to come out and dry out

(walks into bathroom with phone)

Ha! -- there you are!
It's huge

find a shoe

it won't work -- it's by the drain and it's not flat
I've got the toothpaste box

Baby don't use the toothpaste box - -get a shoe

ah! ah! DIE DIE DIE ew ew ew
got it
now -- I've -- got -- to -- crap -- getinthere! - fish it out of the tub
toothpaste box for the win -- safely contained
I'm going to thow it outside in case it's playing possum
thanks for helping me kill the spider

You did the opposite of everything I said