Happy New Year

I'm not sure why I care about New Years

I don't care much about other holidays -- at least not the specific day

I will celebrate Christmas whenever my family and I are able to -- postponing it one year to January 27th  because I was in the hospital on the day of

These days are so arbitrary
chosen because of where they fall in the patterns of the earth revolving around the sun

but New Years has some magic -- doesn't it?

not the silly party new years

but

the day

the new beginning

2012 has been a brutal year
filled with joy and sorrow

of realizing some dreams
and putting away of others

and I am glad to be done with it

to move ahead

2013 will have its challenges

I will have joy
and grief

but I also hope
to find someone to share them with me

to find a man who helps me to grow
and who garners strength and joy from me as well

and it's possible that I've met him already
or that he's around the corner

or that he's in my future beyond this new year

but I believe he is out there

2013 will be a year when I understand my value
when I make good choices
when I take chances and am rewarded for them

it will be a year to remember

this is a grand new beginning
filled with possibilities

and I for one -- will be counting down in joy
to see this new year dawn.

Captain part 2

So

the Captain asked me out for lunch today

(everyone wave- you'll remember that the Captain is one of the readers- - well - not continually - -he did then -- and says he will again)

and lunch was nice

He remembered a shocking number of details about my life
which is very flattering isn't it

to know that someone didn't just hear you but listened?

he ordered for us
like he does

and no - not what I would have ordered
but still quite good

he dispensed some good advice regarding S

(which just gets worse and worse btw)

and when he walked me to my car
I wasn't sure
what his intention was

I will say-- he still pinches just as hard as ever
and he is a wonderfully sexy, attractive man

what was missing this time was the huge dose of fear I had last time

when I met him before
I was trying to figure me out
trying different things
different ideas of submission on for size

and he freaked me out

and

he doesn't freak me out any more

I'll admit -- that part of the attraction before was that heady combination of attraction, dominance and fear

and I'm glad the terror is gone
the attraction and dominance remain

but the terror was counterproductive.

leaving a very delicious
interesting Dom

will there be more?
 -- if he wants to - -if I want to
that all remains to be seen.

stay tuned

The munch that wasn't

So
I got home yesterday

had another long talk with S
which went ok

I was better able to say what I wanted which was -- "I can't sit around and wait for all the "ifs" work out"

So he understands that I'm going to live my life
and when/if he gets here -- we'll see what happens
he took it well.

I headed off to the munch
and

well - it was a colossal fail for me

the space was really small
normally they use some of the outside space
but it's colder here than usual -- so everyone was crammed inside

and there were a lot of everyones there

crammed into what felt like (but what wasn't) a railcar

and I saw a few people I knew
and dispensed some hugs

I spoke to one or two that I've seen at other munches

and then

I decided to say "fuck it"

it was not what I think anyone would have enjoyed unless the room was already filled with their own friends

my nerves jangled
and
I gave myself permission to fail
and left

I considered going to the movies -- decided it was too late and went home

much to the delight of S
who chatted with me
and tucked me in

As for the Captain?
we haven't made our plans yet

he got stuck out of state
and sent me a message
I'm sure we'll schedule our coffee soon
it's a long holiday break

sfp

PS -- just got a message on CM from a guy who I met in person last year -- he blew kisses at me over dinner -- it was bizarre -- I hated it.

The Captain returns?

About 2 years ago -- there was the Captain.

and the Captain was delicious.

He was also
more Dom than I could handle

and

we explored being together
and had a great connection

but he got a promotion that meant lots of travel
and focus on his job
and decided to take a D/s break

and we never got started

We've kept in contact here and there
said hello
Merry Christmas over the past 2 years

but that was it

and I noticed
that he disappeared off Fet for a bit

maybe he found another girl
or maybe he just -- as he said -- had no time

but he's been back on Fet for the past few months
and yesterday

after I finally updated my profile to indicate that I'm looking

I got a message from him

inviting me out for coffee.

Here's a little something I wrote in the blog about him 2 years ago:

he's calm and domly and nice
but direct
and presumptuous -- in a domly way
and
things seemed to fit
but
I spent most of the coffee time - reeling 

We both stopped at the bathroom on the way out of Starbucks and I had a moment of horror when I thought he might come in the potty with me. 

but he went to the men's room - -I went to the ladies room 

on my way out -- he was in the door way -- blocking it - chatting with one of the baristasand he pushed me back a bit -- and fondled me -- while having a casual conversation with the girl - pinching - -very hard -- exploring...the inanity of the conversation with her puntuating the naughtiness of the moment. 

until finally he allowed me to come out.

and there was more -- but it was all about trying to figure out if I was in or out

and ultimately I was in

There's a munch tonight - -He knows I'm going -- and there's a chance he will stop by

and there's a party tomorrow night

ditto

and I want to explore this.

in the meantime -- S and I had to talk about slowing down.  

And I hurt his feelings a bit

I wish he understood that this high level of enthusiasm is what's freaking me out.

I had to make him understand that I'm talking to others

and need to

and that there's too much "if" in our future to do otherwise.

I was emotional yesterday

overly so

the kiddo has gone back to school

and i'm lonely

i miss her.

stay tuned for more adventure

sfp

Sometimes you're Pepe; sometimes you're the cat

S is really smitten

really

really

smitten

and I am too

I'm not quite the cat

but

there's a part of me that's the cat

I've asked S to help us keep one foot on the ground

and he mostly does

but he doesn't want to

he wants to be Pepe

all the way.

So I've been thinking about how much more often -- I've been the one who loved more. I loved Mr. C more -- more than I should have - more than he deserved.  More than evidence dictated that I should. 

and 

I loved M more.  

because as much as I love M -- I have to realize the he doesn't really want me he wants the idea of me -- and to interact with a smart funny loving woman

more

he wants to be the cat -- covered in love that he doesn't have to do anything to receive.

So

at the moment

I am the cat.

Being adored a bit too much.  And it freaks me out a bit.

particularly since I believe that he is holding back so as not to panic me

(which makes me want to giggle - this is S HOLDING BACK?!?!)

or maybe

I can just relax

and enjoy this

allow that someone might just be crazy about me

without being actually crazy

that it's ok to have someone who expresses how he feels openly

and

understand that someone might just love me

because I'm lovable.

B, D & S - no M

I thought it would be good to know who the players are

There's B -- the potential friends with benefits  -- mostly vanilla guy who thinks that he's a Dom - who wants to date me

and fuck me

but not so much on the strings side

He's handsome
and nice
and funny
and successful

and would make an excellent FWB

I like him.

There's D

who I haven't written about

who's light
and fun
and articulate

and not much has happened here
but I like him -- he makes me smile.

and

there's S

still wonderful to me
we're doing those things you're not supposed to do
where you imagine the future together

you play the what if game

He's started calling me "My girl"

and I really can see being his

and I make him lighter and easier
at least so far

He's a good man
and he's smitten with me
and I'm a bit smitten with him

and no

there's no M

and in time

I'm going to have to ok with that.

And then she met S

So

I've met someone

and we'll call him S

I like him

He's smart
I mean -- he's Sheldon Cooper smart

(Aisha - this is from a TV show -- it's not important -- just know that he's really a major brainiac)

and he's a bunch of stuff that I have said that isn't' good for me

He doesn't live here yet
He's married (but she knows and is open - but not into TTWD)
He's (fuck me) a conservative

and I like him

I like him a bit too much

He's a real person
no Nigerian scam artist could have a cover this good
I've googled him and he is who he claims to be

and we talked for hours
HOURS yesterday

(ok -- funny S story -- we were talking from his land line to my cell -- he wanted to call me from his cell phone so he asked if I could text him from my phone to give him the number.  Me:  um -- are you in your office?  Him:  Yes  Me:  where you have paper and writing instruments?  Him:  Yes....oh  God -- Yes!...Geez - I have a PhD -- you would think I could figure that out!)

He's coming to where I live in about 7 weeks
and we've decided to get to know each other between now and then

still date others
but find out if we want to choose each other

and as the day wore on
I more and more wanted to be him

This super smart
nerdy
focused
Domly
man

I want it to be him

As S and I were talking last night I mentioned that I would be closing things off with some of the CM guys today

He felt that it was not the right time to do that

but really?

If I don't have THIS feeling with anyone else
or anything CLOSE to this feeling?

then

I should move on

and I'm not going to shut everyone down -- just the ones that I already know pale in comparison

because I deserve to feel giddy about someone
if it's not S

then someone

we all should have that feeling

sfp