tumbling

I have that giddy feeling

when you were a kid

and you would roll

tumbling down a grassy hill

head of heels

laughing the whole way

All Talk

I really am enjoying this time with M

even though it's all talk

for hours

until he'll finally say, "it's time to put you to bed, Angel, you've been yawning for 1/2 an hour"

you know

I think sometimes we get all caught up in the action
and forget about the talk

and the talk can be dangerous

since it's likely to be a few more weeks before we can get together

the talk might make us very very attached to each other and create great disappointment if things don't play out

or

the talk might fizzle out - -with nothing else to sustain it
we may exhaust all the possible topics

and then be stuck with stony silence

words are powerful things

they can wound when we want them to
and sometimes even if we don't want them to

and they can bind two people together more tightly than any other bond

and a man that's good with words?

sigh

I would go a long way for that

so right now -- it's all talk

but I'm pretty sure that in the end

it won't be all talk at all.

Smidge Smitten

Ok --

time to admit it

I'm a bit smitten with M

He's smart
He's funny
and he's good at this job
and he's focused
and he's nice
he likes kids

yeah - he doesn't live here -- but it's not all that far away

and we can't stop talking to each other

and here's what I like the best?

We barely talk about the D/s thing

at all

a smidge here and there

but mostly?

work and politics and dreams and hopes and frustrations and  and and and

yeah

a bit smitten

and I hate even writing this because it's too soon
and

I'm going to jinx it or something

but

I just don't care

this is what I want

even if it's not him

I want this

this -- energy
this  -- excitement
the -- stimulation

I've been talking a lot to the BFF lately - -she's just broken up with her boyfriend -- and we spent the weekend hanging out talking

and here's the thing

she keeps dating maybes

I told her - -you need to sort them into two piles

Yes's and No's

Once you identify that he's a maybe?
once you start compiling the list of things you think maybe you can live with

you need to move on

because - when they're on the "yes" pile?
sure - those things are there

but they're trivial
and you don't care about them

so

will M always be a "yes"?

no way to know

but right now?

he's no "maybe"

and I'm having a great time

sfp

(PS - he writes - -ya'll -- he WRITES!)

Cher was right

I met S last night

and he's a wonderful man

nice
successful
interesting

but um -- he blew me kisses at dinner

which was irritating
and embarrassing

and

he pays too many compliments

way too many compliments -- and over the top ones.

I am an average girl
I have completely embrased this
I am not gorgeous
or beautiful
or stunning

and you can on occassion bring one of these out and I will accept it

I will even allow that you feel it

but seriously
if you think that's what wins a plain girl's heart?
you're mistaken.

and at the end

I did kiss him

and

pez dispenser again

Gentlemen -- do not shove your tongue into a girl's mouth and waggle it back and forth

we need oxygen.

seriously we need to spend less time in health class in Jr High talking about nutrition and a bit of time teaching these boys the actual location of your clit and how to kiss.

Cher was right (ok and Betty Everett)

It's in his kiss.

Hesitant

I'm becoming hesitant to talk about anyone new.

As soon as I do -- something goes amiss -- and they're out of the picture

a girl could become superstitious

but I'm going to talk about 2 new cast members

S and M

S is local -- older -- responsible -- and seems very sweet.  We've been talking for a few months and we have the Starbucks date tonight

and

hmm

M is interesting

M sent me a lovely note on CM a few days ago -- and I responded back with my Thanks for the lovely note, but you live too far away (about 200 miles) but please take your lovely parting gift on the way out (Rice a Roni -- the SanFranCiscoTreat!).

and the next message -- seconds after M sent me his was a "nice ass" message.

For some reason I wrote back to M and made a joke about it.

and we started to talk.

God I do love me a smart, literate, funny, dominant man.

so we'll see how that plays out

In the meantime - -something at work that's been a nightmare for me is going to clear up

I never thought it would happen -- but it has

and now -- I'll have the hell of the transition that this fix will cause

watch out what you wish for

(but it will be worth it in the long run)

wish me luck tonight

sfp

Little things

I've gotten all stuck on blogging.

something that I normally love has become -- hmmm - -not a chore - -but it's become difficult.

I've lost my flow a bit.

it's easy to maintain when you blog every day
or even more than once a day

and then when you stop -- it's

well -- it's as if I've forgotten how.

so it occurred to me this morning that the problem is that I'm trying to blog too big.

because I have big things going on

big emotions going on

and anything I write seems incomplete
because this venue doesn't do big very well

this venue at least for me

is about small

little tiny things

tiny moments

stray thoughts

so I'm going to get back to my roots -- and blog small.

and see if I get my mojo back

sfp

Another Dream

I just woke up this second -- from another dream

I was living in a different city

still with my ex husband

and we had moved there together to make a new start.

I was walking the dog -- and there were all sorts of hazards out -- and it was getting very dark

I picked up the dog when I passed a yard that had these 3 animals in the front yard that were a combination of a dog and an aligator - with aligator waaaay ahead of the dog genes -- and they were circling me

trying to trap me

and I wadded up bits of paper and threw them like tennis balls for them to catch

they were distracted enough by this for me to get away.

and then I was wandering through a shop -- where they were busy taking applications and I thought, "I should get a second job" since we were struggling -- but decided that this was not the place

and I went up stairs to our apartment

and as I walk up -- I can hear him laughing with a woman - and it becomes obvious that they're on the floor - post-coital -- laughing and comfortable with each other

and

I just walk up the stairs and calmly (this time) tell him to get out

and pack his bags

and I woke up.

much better dream.