M gets outted.

We had a bit of a rough patch on Sunday
M was out of sorts
hurting
and a bit distracted and frustrated
it was hard for me to not feel like it was about us

but it wasn't

Someone M used to know
decided to start posting info about him
on his company's fb page

she started off being vague
but is now threatening him
much more directly

I have to be honest
when he told me about this
I thought

he's not being truthful about how long ago this relationship happened
that perhaps he's been shopping around more recently
and got burned

but

seriously

this man doesn't have enough time to juggle
work
ex
daughter
and me
and another girl
particularly since he's always around for me

I feel so bad for him

he feels like he brought it on himself
that he took chances
and how he's paying for it.

but what did he do that was so bad?

he trusted someone
he shared himself with someone
he took a risk

will she tell all?
will they buy it?
will they care?

all I know
is that it's weighing heavily on my man
and I can't fix it.

I need to get my mind right

He'll be here in a few hours -- I need to take a shower
and tidy up the shaving

boy

that took awhile

I really shouldn't let it get so far
but 3 months is a long time

but the underbrush isn't the only thing that's untidy

I have got to get my head on straight

because it's been so long
so very long

that

I feel like I'm missing that subby anticipation
that right mindset

and I had best work it out pretty quick
because

mindset or no
we're going where we're going

and I've felt this way before
I often feel this way

I often have this completely vanilla normal feeling before we meet
and seconds after he walks in the door

I'm there

and I'm going to trust
that I'll be there again
in just a few hours.

Taking it on the road

I'm on the road tomorrow -- off to see some friends on Friday and Saturday
and that man of mine on Sunday

so
I thought I had more to say
but
um

nope.

I'm good.

a bit of bossy

He called me today

"What are you doing"

"driving around looking for something to eat"

"no drive thru"

and it pulled me up a bit

he doesn't boss me much

he doesn't criticize what I eat
or what I do

if I cook
or eat out

but he just stated it

and

all of a sudden, I'm pulling into a grocery store
mildly muttering in my head

not irritated that I was bossed
irritated that I left the opening

so

I'm at home
I AM eating a frozen pizza

but making a pot roast for tomorrow

my tiny rebellion I guess

a miss

I really thought I wanted an O yesterday

I did

and I got permission
which was very nice of him

I am getting a lot of permission lately
then again I am asking for permission a lot lately

and I got out all the old friends
the vibes
and some clamps
and there was even an anal option

and I have to tell you

I just

missed

what was it?

exhaustion?
maybe

was it that I tried too hard for it?

sigh

most likely

but really

I just couldn't get my brain to shut off

sometimes I wonder why I bother with the toys at all

I think I could just listen to his voice
have him tell me to do it

and with the tiniest of nudges
make it all the way there

I gave up
washed up my toys
and went out to my garden

and all was well

but I think I need some man-time
really soon

or my toys may just stay where they're at.

Pretty Quiet

yes -- it's pretty quiet over here.

I'm working
and waiting
and

well -- not having a very sexy time of it

I'm 7 days I hope from a visit with M
if nothing else happens

and

I think we really both need this to happen
because
otherwise we're going to stop believing that it will work this way

sigh

but

that's not the way to think
I'm going to be positive

and

although the week will creep by

we will be together soon

sfp

My imagination

I have a technicolor worry imagination.

when someone's late
or doesn't call
when I expect them to

I can picture what might have befallen them
sometimes vividly.

I worry
I worry that something might happen to M
and I wouldn't know
that he would just disappear from my life

and I would have to call around

"Hi -- this is sfp -- you don't know me -- I'm a friend of M's -- um -- have you seen him lately?"

that he could be in the hospital
or dead

and no one would call me

because we're not out

I hate that feeling
I hate feeling so out of control
so

marginal

I did this when I was married too

the Ex was very ill
for a very long time
and if he was late
I would worry he was dead
that he had a heart attack on the way home
and went off the road

I hate that I'm that girl
that over dramatic girl
who imagines tragedy
with no evidence

that is so self centered
that the only reason that a man
isn't available
or on time
right when I want him to
is because something dreadful has happened.

fucking drama queen.