followed by a double meltdown

Lies told today

"I have to have that sharpie back, it was given to me by my best friiiiiiieeeeend"

"KK gave me your keys and told me to get the mail" as she tries to shove every key into the box

"the neighbors want me to chase their bunnies"

"I did hang up my clothes"

"I don't know how the pillows go on the sofa"

"I'm not throwing a tantrum"

"I don't have any homework"

"I didn't get another snack"

"I did brush my teeth"

followed by my favorite moment of the night

FL:  "KK just called you a P-H-U-T-O"
me:  "That's not how that's spelled"

I guess that's not what I was supposed to say.

KK was in a rotten mood all night

throwing a tantrum that involved throwing herself on the sofa - kicking all the pillows off and screaming

I sent her to run around the block to burn off the bad juju

"are you done?  do you need to run some more?"

she did

she needed 3 laps

and still had another tantrum

but a much less energetic one.

Happy Monday!

(oh - during all of the FL was required to hang up her clothes -- which took her about 40 minutes because she couldn't stop taking clothes off the hangers and then back on and then crying about her vintage heirloom sharpie)

A happy day

Today was a happy day

and

no one made me breakfast in bed

no one bought me flowers

and yet

it was a wonderfully happy day

I had a nice lunch with my parents and the Pixie

the girls were in respite

and when I picked them up I have them the news that the pixie was joining our little clan

and the girls were overjoyed.

happy for me

yeah

go figure

happy for me

a moment of empathy on their side

they played with the neighbor kids
and

I made oven smores for everyone to share

and I fussed at my kids and they fussed at theirs

and everyone's now asleep

and I'm about to curl  up in my bed
and dream of the future

tomorrow may be a dark pit of despair
but today
my girls who never think of anyone but themselves
told me they were proud of me
and gave me a hug
and are over the moon happy that I might get a baby.

Things that make me happy (and a news roundup)

We had some baby drama this week. (long adoption related story -- skip it if you want)

The foster parents have to go out of town on the 17th - -and asked me if I could take the Pixie at that point.

Now -- this is a 3 week overlap with KK and FL - so not ideal -- but not horrible either.

I agreed to it -- I don't want ANYONE ELSE GETTING THEIR HANDS ON HER.

because if I don't take her -- and someone else respites her -- they would have as much claim on her as I  do as a bonded caregiver.

so no

no one else is getting the Pixie.

So I told them we could do the transfer then.

now -- this sounds outrageous right?  Who are we to make that decision.  But we've been pushed by CPS to make this change faster -- and so the foster father was on the way to go see the agency worker anyway-- so he told him it would work for us on that day.

I called the adoption placement director R -- and she was ok with this (she's the one who's been telling me all along that I can manage all 3 for a finite time)

meanwhile
the Case Manager (who I now only think of as Strawberry Shortcake bossing me around (sigh -- yes I am horrible)) sends a message to the foster parents that says, "sfp cannot take Pixie until FL and KK are out of the house".

what?

um

what?

because it's always been proposed that I take her before the girls are out.

when we questioned her about it saying that it was fine with adoption director R -- her response was "the head of the agency said no - -and R works for her"

Now - -this is actually Strawberry Shortcakes real problem -- she's bad with people.  I want to actually coach her on this and say, "Strawberry -- you're pissing off your clients AND you are boxing yourself into a corner and about to make yourself look irrelevant when we make this happen anyway"

because, "oh my goodness -- it sounds like R and the head of the agency might be in different places about this -- let me get them talking to each other -- in the meantime, don't communicate with CPS yet and we'll get this all straightened out"

because

we did talk to everyone and guess what

the Pixie is coming her on the 17th to stay!

so KK and FL are in respite -- and I need to turn my room into a combo bedroom/nursery for about a month -- so move furniture -- put up the crib -- and then go get the Pixie for the weekend

we are going to a birthday party for a friend's 3 yr old -- and I get to put her in a cute little dress and show her off.

(yes -- I went a little nuts -- but these are totally cute and I only spent $28 on ebay and a consignment clothing store -- I threw myself a little shower)

Also rans

I'm not one of those people who never speaks to you again if we decide not to date

so I end up with a lot of male friends that say hello from time to time

and of course - -some of them are Doms.

and there are 2 that I've played with from time to time that have been chatting me up for the past few weeks.

Dom A -- emailed me with an offer.  He wanted me to be his slave and proposed some limited categories - understanding that I have a very demanding life.  I did consider this offer -- I've known him for years and having someone local that I trust to play with

well

it sounded like a possibility

so I started asking some questions

which clearly pissed him off

because when we finally came down to the nitty gritty- he wanted 100% control.  I asked if I would be allowed autonomy over work, spirituality, family and adoption -- and he told me "no" - that a slave must trust her master's character to make the right choices.

blink
blink
blink

first off -- who ever said I wanted to be a slave?

and unless you plan to marry me and live with me 24/7 -- I don't see how you can make all my decisions for me

and what the hell are the "right" choices anyway?

and we parted ways
the usually way
he made one comment "no worries" and then signed off

what a tool

****************
Dom B is someone I played with a while back -- who wanted me to go meet him and his Dom/sub clients from out of town to play.

um

what?

No.

why would I do that?

I haven't had sex with YOU - I'm going to do it and let them watch?

nice try

***************
it does make one wonder if the attempt to be friends is really possible -- or are we really just putting each other on the back burner.

which isn't right or fair to anyone.

(more personal news soon - when there is more to tell)

sfp

May resolution

I have not had a great few months

tonight I spent the night fighting with the girls - it cost FL 8 more days of lost internet - and I didn't even add any more on for telling me that I was a bitch

you can't punish her for telling the truth

she has turned me into a bitch.

so

I'm going to try to focus on things that make me happy -- every time I want to blog and can't come up with anything to say -- I'm going to focus on something positive -- something lovely

So

obviously - here's something I can tell you is making me very happy right now -- my little Pixie.

we're not allowed to post photos of foster kids that include their faces -- but she's managed to take care of that problem for me here.

Now it will be hard to beat this for something that makes me happy -- but it's not a competition - -it's instead an opportunity during a rather difficult time to find some joy.

Lies and other irritating games

The 9 year old today at therapy was bored

I was on the phone as we waiting for FL to finish her session and she decided to start mimicking me

seriously -- who DOESN'T that piss off.

so I started off by making funny faces -- which eventually cracked her up.

finally

I got down on the floor

and she followed

and I moved into the full lotus position (I'm a big girl - but I'm bendy)

and then did some deep breathing (which she copied)

complete with OHMMMMMsss

and then did some stretches to the side

until she tipped over

MOM for the win

HA!

eventually - she got bored and started nosing through her sister's notebook
and found a note

written in 2 colors of marker

FL and her BFF writing to each other and FL offering the BFF all of her allowance to do her homework.

KK ratted FL out (at some point FL needs to kick her little sister's ratting ass -- someone needs to CodeRed her ass) and gave me the note

so

this has cost FL a week of internet

hours later - with crocodile tears FL tries to tell me this wasn't her note -- and I told her that I didn't believe her - the punishment stands -- and she was tearful --swearing that someone else just used the note and passed it back and forth with FL

this allowed me to discuss the fact that she has lied to me about something every single day since she walked through my door.

her argument that it wasn't EVERY single day eventually cracked us both up

"oh - not the days you were at the other foster house?"

sigh

so it's been a hell of a night

everyone is in trouble

KK ended the night by throwing a glass of water (plastic) in the sink so she's starting tomorrow in the hole on behavior as well.

and

we're going to watch the baby this weekend.

this is going to be a complete clusterfuck

I'm I sending out some sort of pheromone?

apparently I am

because I was contacted by a swarm of former suitors again (well - ok -- 2 - -but within minutes of each other)

the guy that lives around the corner - you remember him as the guy who beat the crap out of me -- was checking up again

mostly wanting to know if the girls were still here

he's the one that I don't much care for unless I'm in the same room with him - -and then I become jello

Must stay at least 4 blocks away -- or invest in turtlenecks.

and

another that is from the far past who wants to be my Dom -- and have me turn myself over to him

now

I really liked this guy when he was in the consideration phase

but then he turned me down because I wasn't his physical type

which really hurt my feelings

and

well - gosh - that's hard to get over.

I like him as a Dom - -but I sort of think he's an asshole as a person.

so

gee thanks guys -- I'll just be over here waiting for my prince to come

in other news

FoxyLoxy had a shit day

she had this little boyfriend -- who she fully intended to dump today btw

but he dumped her first

with a MEAN note in her locker

that said he hated her and called her a fatty

which is hysterical
because she's all angles and bones.

it was horrible misspelled with awful penmanship (he even spelled fatty with one t)

I offered to correct and grade it so she could return it to him - which earned a laugh - but somehow is too geeky a revenge for her taste

horrible little shit.

She was very hurt -- but since the relationship has only been for the past 10 days or so - I imagine the heartbreak will not survive the weekend.

poor thing

sfp